Nomi Leasure talks infidelity: After the breaching of Ashley Madison, a lot has been on my mind. I’m a 22 year old, raised in the suburbs of Pittsburgh. I have an ordinary family; we’ve had our normal ups and downs. Very typical. My dad and I have butted heads for as long as I can remember. I think I was in high school when I figured out parents may not be the superheroes we had imagined them to be as kids. That was a tough time for me.
It started the day of my 15th birthday… I found a letter from my mum to my dad, and my mum was begging my dad to stay with her until “the kids leave for college”. She told him she knew he didn’t love her anymore; she could see it in his eyes. This essentially broke me. My mum is the sweetest soul you’ll ever meet, and my dad has a darker soul. He was never abusive, but had enough darkness to make you feel dark too. I hated this. I always wondered WHY my mum would choose him. After I found the note, I showed my brother. That started a downward spiral for all of us. My brother (who I’ve never seen cry), got extremely hysterical and was on the verge of becoming physical with my dad. We didn’t see my brother (then 17 at the time) for three days. My dad hit me that day, and told me it was my fault my mum wrote that letter. I had to sit across from him at Outback Steakhouse that night and pretend that everything was totally fine. I never once got an apology for that day, it just kinda got swept under the rug.
Flash forward a few years, I’m in college. Him, my mum and I are driving to Erie and he tells me to pull up directions on his phone. As I am pulling up the internet I notice he’s got a tab for Match.com. My stomach immediately convulses and my whole body goes numb. I exit out, find directions, hand the phone over and remain silent for the rest of the car ride. That was four years ago, and to this day I still think about it frequently. As silly as it sounds I have googled what to do in this situation millions upon millions of times. I know that I could not handle breaking up my parents marriage. I have pushed these events to the far, far corner of my mind where I hope to eventually forget that it ever happened.
So, bringing my story back to Ashley Madison. I find myself so consumed by these stories of infidelity. I’ve read so many celebs getting busted, and even more anonymous stories of how the website has essentially ruined them. The anon ones are what hurt me the most. It pains me to even consider trying to find names/emails that were on this website, as I’m 95% sure I might find my dads name. I am trying to stay as far out of this situation as I possibly can but it’s so painful.
Me and my brother have both moved on, graduated college, moved away from the city. To say it hurts to picture my sweet mum at home alone with my dad is an understatement. Everything about my dad has made me weak, vulnerable and fragile. I was raised to believe I would never be good enough. It’s interesting to bring up this topic to you, because I read your story “What does love have to do with my vagina?” I’m assuming you may not understand where I am coming from. I know your parents were never in love. It’s different for me because I was raised to believe in a home where your parents are all-knowing, faithful and simply put, just good people.
Reality has sunk in for me that that might not be the case. It hurts the worst that my mum still sees him as a wonderful man, but part of me thinks maybe she thinks she can’t find love again. I hope you can give me some insight because this is making me crazy. I also hope that you are not going to tell me to get involved in any way because honestly, that’s not an option. I really wish I was as fearless as you are Nomi. ? Anonymous.
Dear Tricky Situation,
No, I?m not going to tell you to get involved because, as you guessed, these are ?big people? problems. Look… the relationship between your parents may not be something you or your brother are ever able to fully understand. What we have to realise about our parents is that they were together years before we came along. And had years together that we?ll never have any conceivable memory of because we were babies and doing more important shit like learning how to walk and piss on the toilet and what not. Your mother is an adult and relationships are complicated. The fact that she wrote that letter however long ago is proof enough that she?s fully aware of the situation she?s in. There?s no wool over her eyes. I would bet money on the fact that she knows of your father?s infidelities.
I know of fewer faithful, happy marriages than ones that have had some bumps along the way. I’ve heard that some look to male enhancements similar to what you can find at BuyExtenze Official website in an attempt to breath new life into their relationship. One of my dearest friends was in the middle of her parents flaming hot mess of an affair scandal. First the mother cheated, then the father. There?s just nothing for you to do as the child in that situation (even if you?re not quite a child anymore) because your parents are two fully grown adults. They?re going to act on their own wishes, their own desires, their own sense of duty, or safety, or commitment, or fear.
Later in life, for many couples, I think it?s just about not being alone. Hell, you can?t stand your spouse. But you can?t stand quiet even more. You?ve gotten used to rhythm and routine. Your lives are inextricably meshed together and it?s just too complicated to untangle at this stage of the game. And you know what else? I?m betting your parents do love each other. Maybe not a romantic love. Maybe not an affectionate or even friendly love, but the kind of loves that cements itself after a lifetime of being side by side, and putting forth two children into the world.
No, there is nothing for you to do. You?ve suffered the stark realisation that your parents are actually flesh and blood humans just like the rest of us. But try not to pity your mother. Give her the benefit of being intelligent enough to decide for herself what path she wants to take. She, after all, has spent much more time with this man than you have.
