Hey Nomi, I’ve followed you for awhile on social media and I’ve always admired you for how confident you are. I just want to know your thoughts on how to work on being so confident.
Thank you, Courtnee
People often ask me about confidence; how to obtain it, how to fake it, and just why I seem to have an endless reserve. I won’t deny that I’m confident. I won’t deny feeling good about myself, about being proud of my accomplishments, or satisfied with the person I am. But I also won’t deny that it takes work and that it doesn’t always come naturally.
Confidence can come from the outside in or the inside out. Outside-in confidence is built from things like personal successes at school or work – things that make you proud of and self-assured with your skill set. Or from contributing to your community, be that a physical or online community, in a way that gives you a sense of being a part of something greater than yourself. Or from spending time on self-care – doing things like pampering yourself, getting dolled up, and making sure you’re fit and healthy.
Outside-in confidence is is also what’s meant by the phrase “fake it till you make it,” in that by adopting the physical manifestations of confidence (head held high, back straight, direct eye contact, etc.) you fool yourself into actually feeling more confident. It’s also what’s meant by “look good, feel good,” because maybe wearing pj’s all day in last night’s makeup isn’t the fastest and most direct way to feeling good. We’ve all been there, but I’m just saying.
Inside-out confidence forces us to dig deeper. It requires true reflection and acceptance. Inside-out confidence is born from the glow at the heart of your being. We all have it. We are all here, alive on planet earth, breathing and with blood flowing. We are incredible just in that we have made it here, to this day. That life force, that eternal spark within you, tapping into that is what drives inside-out confidence. Looking at yourself from every angle, turning yourself around and around until there is nothing left unknown, venturing deep into the darkest depths of your soul and emerging full of wisdom and power – that will breed inside-out confidence.
By knowing yourself deeply, intimately and without fear you start to gain what is simply a solid sense of self. It’s not that through this process you emerge and think I am the best fucking thing walking the streets. This process doesn’t fuel ego. It grounds you in your you-ness. It strengthens the roots of your being so that you may go forth with certainty. This process doesn’t make your shit not stink, it just means you know the particular scent of said shit… and accept it (weird… weird analogy there). It is accepting that you are imperfect; it is loving all of those imperfections.
And know this: Society is stacked against the Confident Female. Society does not know what to do with a Confident Female. In fact, Society is constructed to make you feel as shitty about yourself as financially possible (because Capitalism, of course, has a cure for all your self-doubt, my dear, don’t you know?) New York based artist Caroline Caldwell (@dirt_worship) wrote: “In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.” And it is. It really fucking is. We are so used to young women being riddled with self-doubt, that when we meet someone who is young and self-assured and female we are very quick to label them: egotistical, self-obsessed, narcissistic, selfish, self-involved. We scare women away from true confidence.
People throughout my life have called me those very names. And here is where I must warn you of (dun…dun…dun!) the Curse-of-the-Confident. Be weary, young free one, of how uncomfortable you will make people once you are armed with confidence. Watch how you make other women wiggle in their seats, unable to comprehend what they see in front of them. How dare you feel like you are made of stars. How dare you hold your head high, and in spite of your insecurities find strength, and return to yourself every night, and wake every morning knowing you made the sun rise. You will be shocked at how people, even your friends and yes even your family, turn against you. As if loving yourself is some type of betrayal against them. People do not like to know that they cannot shatter you. They do not like to know they hold no true power over you. They will want to pull you down to their level, and cover you in their mud and muck.
Do not pick it up. Their weight is not yours carry. You are made of stars. And you see that sun? Yes, you made the sun rise.
