Nomi Leasure… On Chemical Reactions, Emotions And Feeling Things

We’ve all experienced PMS or some sort of chemical reactions, emotions or general feelings. But why do we always have to justify or excuse our feelings? Why does it always have to be because of ‘that time of month?’ Nomi Leasure explores.

I usually get really emotional around my period.  I live with my boyfriend and I seem to take it out on him. Example: I get paranoid that he’s doing things behind my back, I get extremely jealous and I’m quick to assume things that have been proven to be false. I become the complete opposite of who I regularly am. I was wondering if you’re familiar with extreme PMS and if you have any advice on how to handle it? You’re one of the women I look up to & I would love to hear your advice on this situation. – Anonymous

Dear Red Wedding,

Yikes. That sounds like one bloody beast you’re dealing with. A real “Carrie at prom” situation. A very scary shark week. Okay, okay… but in truth, no, I have never suffered from PMS when it came to that time of the month. Nausea, yes. But never scathing rage.

However, I also never seemed to require a particular time of month to go full-on raging bitch. So, there are bits and pieces I can work with here. Let’s see…

Have I, perhaps almost certainly drunk, lost my total shit at someone, likely someone near and dear to me, who was probably my boyfriend, to the point that fingers were poised ready to dial 9-1-1 because there was fear I might wake the neighbours? I mean, maybe.

Have I, likely alone on a night I was feeling particularly slighted, sat in dark silence boiling beneath my skin, convincing myself how a certain significant other was the source of not only all of my pain and unhappiness but the misfortune of millions of other people, when all he had done to prompt such outrage was reply too curtly to a text? Okay yes.

And in these and (unfortunately) many other instances, after the anger has been flung and hits its’ mark like a searing dagger, what follows isn’t any form of satisfaction. As you know, the feeling of hurting someone you care about is simply awful. Saying something mean, having misguided feelings of mistrust, taking out personal hormone fluctuations on the closest thing to sustain the blow… all of that stuff truly sucks. Plus, it leaves you feeling like a real slug.

I don’t have a PMS issue, but I may have a general anger issue.

I feel angry often. I’ve realised this about myself – and I hate it. But, I’ve found ways to work around it and maybe these ways will help you too. Buddha said, “Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” I heard this quote in high school and I can’t tell you how many times I have said, “Release the hot coal, release the hot coal, Nomi,” to myself when standing on the verge of rath. Your PMS, while a very real and chemical thing happening in your body, is like your hot coal. It is your unsubstantiated emotional ball that overtime you will learn to… simply let go of.

Our entire reality is shaped by the chemical reactions and synapses that happen inside our brains. And although most of the world around us seems like real shit at the moment, lucky for us in 2017 we have a very established research base around neuroscience and neuropsychology. Read the book The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine. This book will be your brain bible. It will detail for you exactly what the cast of hormones in your brain are doing to you and when and why. Knowledge is power, little lady. And once we know our enemies by name they become a lot less scary. Yours are named estrogen, progestogen and testosterone.

However, I have trouble believing these feelings you have appear from thin air the moment the red river starts to run. Jealousy? Mistrust? Are these feelings you may experience in your non-menstruating part of life as well? Are they feelings perhaps suppressed or ignored during non-menstruating parts of life? Or are you, I dunno, not allowing yourself to be a multi-dimensional human being who sometimes, yes, gets pissed, and yes, has fears about losing her boyfriend?

You say you get “emotional” around your period, but baby you are emotional.

You are a dynamic, ALIVE human being who has depth and soul. As women, we’ve been taught our range of emotion, and quickness to move from one to another, is irrational and immature. But that agility, that freedom and fierceness is what makes us mysterious and magnificent. Shallow waters are calm and still. The ocean is a force.

While we don’t want to hurt the people in our lives, certainly not the ones we love and care about the most, we can’t expect ourselves to not FEEL things. We just need to understand what it is that we’re feeling, why we’re feeling it, and how those feelings ultimately relate to the most important relationship of all – the one we have with ourselves.

Healer and author Don Miguel Ruiz offers that everything we feel and experience has a root in either fear or love. Jealousy and mistrust come from the fear part of you. Now, while these emotions may seem to surge during certain parts of your cycle, they have a life inside of you before that time of the month. I would examine under a very thick lens your feelings about your boyfriend, and how you truly feel about yourself in your relationship.

Ultimately in this situation a gyno or psychiatrist will be the best of judge of whether meds, birth control or hormone therapy would be suited to help quell Aunt Flo. Lots of women experience what you’re describing and many times they are thankful for modern medicine to achieve what meditation simply cannot. So make an appointment to talk to someone who can best evaluate on a more medical level what your options are.

Also, I would also consider not living with your boyfriend. Because roommates are damn annoying whether you’re screwing them or not. Cheers.